Monday, January 17, 2011


I must be sick. In my head, there's this pretty chubby woman in the mirror. In the real world, she's a hideous 180-pound top-heavy waste of space. And I just might be the last to know.

Taken during summer 2010 in Potipot Island, Zambales. Photo by Fristine.

Taken during November 2010 in Boracay. Photo by Carl.

Am I making you sick already? You can exit this page. NOW!

In the previous months, I have noticed how strangers felt licensed to talk about my weight. The cab driver who refused to shut up, the pool maintenance guy who shared his pessimistic view about my weight loss with his colleague even if I wasn't out of earshot yet, the barker who addressed me as "tabachoy", the ladies in the gym who provided me with unsolicited advice and so on.

So maybe it's high time for me to talk about it, too, huh?

I've always been big as far as I could remember. I was this instant standout among my skinny, prim & proper classmates and playmates as a kid. Everybody had this compulsion to pinch my cheeks and arms then give me a bear hug. In any order.

But, when one reaches puberty, it's not cute anymore. My body weight dwindled as often as MTV's launches for boy bands. I blame it on my inconsistent workout plan (read: short-lived cheerleading career) and relationship with food (read: emotional eating). Put that together and you'd really be in a bad shape.

Age 14. Possibly at my thinnest. How I hated my arms then!

This went on until college. Eventually, I found myself getting addicted to aerobics as response to the unpleasant turnout of a romantic relationship. I put all my angst, bitterness, sexual frustration and other negative energies to my daily one-hour workout. Back then, I've become this voluptuous chick. But the world does not agree at all. Fools!

As a yuppie, I initially juggled my full-time work in graveyard shift and freelance writing for magazines. My appetite grew insatiable in adaption to this new lifestyle. When I got too many "What happened to your waist?!" from colleagues and college friends, I started attending yoga classes, [then dropped it] and signed up for gym membership. That was my priority for months until the mind-blowing, self-esteem shrinking demands of graduate school in UP-Diliman caught up with me. I had to choose. Workout or bedtime during my rare free time? I opted for the latter.

L-R: Julie, Chiqui and I. Christmas 2006.

L-R: Me and my flabs, Jhen and Ayi. March 2007.

It's been 2 years since I realized graduate school robbed me of my neglected priorities. Yet, I remain the same big girl when I enrolled in the university. Last year witnessed my attempt to be a serious swimmer and, before the year ended, my enrollment in a gym near my place. Why am I doing this? What am I trying to achieve?

As a result of my tragic kneecap dislocation and meniscus tear for dancing drunk last year, my therapists strictly advised me to work on my weight loss. My knee can't take my excess fats anymore. Aside from this, I have polycystic ovaries which explains the hair fall, cystic acne, uneven skin tone & irregular menstrual period. The threat of infertility does not make me worry at this time. But its correlation to diabetes does. I tend to overindulge in sweets even in my dreams and, worse, we have family history of such. Case in point: my mother.

In spite of this pressure, I wish to retain my curves. I don't ask for toned biceps to replace my arms. Neither am I saving up for liposuction. I refuse to comply to mass media's depiction of sexiness! In my own opinion, I am beautiful and extra sexy for taking pride in my curves, morena skin, big curls and rambunctious laughter. Unlike most plus size women in this country, I have this strong relationship with off-shoulder tops, miniskirts and shorts. If I have to spend more to alter men's t-shirts so I would look better and feel more comfortable, I would. And I am crossing my fingers everybody else would be inspired to feel better about themselves.

However, I must confess I'm no poster kid 24/7. I have recurring moments of self-doubt and loathing. I can get intimidated by skinnier women. In fun pictorials with friends, I tend to be protective of my wings, double chin, belly rolls and other bulges. They're not meant for public consumption, I would remind them.

See, this journey to body acceptance can be looong and bumpy. I invite kindred spirits to make yourselves known, speak up and let's be one another's soul sister. We could use all the motivation and support that we can get.

And, for starters, pleeeease stop saying you're fat. You're extra sexy! Give yourself a big hug!

Hippie-ness! Photo by Chad Barreyro.


  1. You go girl. We all have issues with our bodies. For example, I'd say I'm fat but then you'd say di naman. I guess it'll boil down to how we feel about ourselves. Right now, I don't feel healthy, which doesn't necessarily translate to "fat" but it makes me want to move to a more healthier lifestyle.

    Plus, like I always said, always take into consideration your body type. If you're not the type to become slim and svelte no matter how hard you try, don't push it. I guess I should listen to my own advice. :)

    There are people who love you for who you are. And so if don't fit the stereotype of "sexy"? You are sexy and I'm sure a lot of people think too. As a line from one of my favorite songs go, you are "the coolest girl on the face of the planet, the coolest bitch on Earth, goddamit". Apologies for my French :P

  2. Hi, Kat! Thanks for dropping by.

    How come you don't feel healthy? Maybe you should go back to playing archery or start a new sport? :)

    I know, I'm too big-boned to be skinny. No amuount of workout would make me super thin.

    There's this girl I spoke with Sunday night. We haven't seen each other in ages! She told me I'm sexy this way. She can't imagine me the other way daw. I don't really seek external validation but it's great to hear it from them when you least expect it, you know.

    I'm not familiar with the song, but I already like it! Cheers!

  3. Being sexy is not about the waistline but it's really how you feel about yourself balanced with how great your body feels. I don't know if that made any sense but what I'm trying to point out is the fact that everyone is unique and there is no one cookie cutter path to sexiness.

    There are some people who just feel sexy when the rest of the world foams at the mouth just by looking at them. There are some people who look sexy at first glance because they're thin and marvelously fat-less but when you look closely, every pore and cell in their body is starving. Now these aren't sexy.

    Only with balance of one feels about his/her body and how it feels with proper care can anyone achieve sexy, me thinks.

  4. I agree, mare! Here's a resounding NO to starvation! How could anyone possibly turn down food?

    I used to think I can keep this body size and just overload with confidence and that's okay. But when I decided to listen to my body, it's trying to say something else. We should really take care of it, think positive and things would really fall into place.

    I'm really hoping this is not another episode of ningas cogon. Spank me if I go back to my old ways, ha? ;)

  5. Right on- glad you started this blog- i think you look stunning- that last photo is especially beautiful.

    Yes- complete strangers feel the need to comment on people's bodies, their sexuality, their fashion- whatever. We're a society that just loves to degrade people if they don't meet our standard. I know getting into body acceptance has really opened my eyes to how much even I did this. I'm glad that you embrace your curves and your sexiness- I look forward to reading more!

  6. Hi, Heather! I'm so honored. :)

    For everyone's benefit, I found Heather's older blog entry as my ultimate push to sit down and type away my thoughts at last! I've been stalling on this personal project for so long!

    Here's the blog entry I'm pertaining to:

  7. I love this post. Positive outlook..

  8. Hello. :)
    Your positive outlook is really refreshing. I can completely understand how you feel about strangers who think that they have a right to talk about other people's weight issues and call names. I also have an experience with a taxi driver who thought it was his mission in life to enlighten big girls like me to lose weight, it was really annoying... and don't get me started on barkers who would call me names. One even blamed me because he was not able to fit 10 people inside the jeep.
    For years I was struggling with society's negative view about my body size. To be honest I am quite content to be plus-size. I know that I'm unique and beautiful in my own way, and it is one of the reasons I stand out amongst people, but because of all the teasing, the name calling and degrading words (some even came from my own family) my positive outlook and confidence diminished until I was hating myself for how I look. Now I am trying to love myself again and trying to boost my confidence. It is through reading blog posts like this that I know that I am not alone. Thank you for the ray of bright light that you've shone on my day today, I hope you continue to inspire other beautiful girls. :D

  9. Wow, thank YOU for the visit. Comments like yours make me feel that I'm doing a good job and that I touch lives somehow. :D

    It's great to know how content you are of your own body size. Don't feel bad if you sometimes give in to society's standards. I have those moments, too. It's a journey, you know. *hugs*

  10. i just stumbled onto your blog (thanks to BernaCurves), it's nice to feel that someone somewhere out there feels the same way.
    i recently started my own blog as a way to vent and share my journey as a an extra-sexy girl trying to figure out how to dress up and deal with life in general sans familial support.
    see you around!

  11. Congratulations on you blog anniversary Lorna!!!!