Almost two years ago, I ended an eventful night in Ortigas with newfound friends on bent knees. Technically, we ended up in Medical City but my bad landing started the parade of pain that even a masochist like myself did not enjoy. Hence, no more dancing drunk for me.
Thankfully, the x-ray results proved no fracture and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) results showed no ligament tear. Still, my patellar dislocation and meniscus tear called for lots of pain killers, Icy Hot, Oleia cetylated oil, physical therapy, prayers, positive thinking and rest. For a Curacha like myself, it was damn hard to sit back and relax.
My rehabilitation program made me realize I need to take my recovery seriously. And that entails a lot of patience and, well, dedication to address my obesity. Apparently, surprising my long-time inactive body with unexpected sweat session is the last thing it needed. My orthopedists and physical therapists-turned-friends recommended weight loss to prevent further knee damage. For all the excruciating pain and expenses this injury brought me, I resolved that my desk jockey days are all in the past. I will be a yogini, pole dancer, swimmer, zipper and samba dancer all rolled into one!
But we all know it didn't happen right away. Active lifestyle calls for a lot of time, research, expensive purchases, constant company and a lot more impediments! It was easy to just sprint back to the social whore that I am.
Last Monday afternoon, I landed on my butt in extreme pain while in Elorde Boxing Gym in Katipunan. This time, I was just trying to confuse my body with an episode of anaerobic workout after interchanging gymming, badminton, swimming, yin yoga and dancing for the past few months. When my Muay Thai trainer asked me to do an upper cut punch, I felt my knee twist in protest. The next thing I knew, Atong came running towards me and abandoned her boxing trainer out of concern.
I limped my way to Borough Medical Care in Eastwood and, upon finding out there's no orthopedist available to interpret my x-ray, went to Capitol Medical Center's emergency room instead. I passed the initial test for ligament tear and, praise God, I have no fracture either.
As expected, the doctor advised me to shed more extra pounds and avoid high-impact workouts until the inflammation is gone. Being limited to 10 reps of knee raise thrice a day frustrated me. My body will crave for workouts it got accustomed to and, if not achieved, it will go for the bloated look again. Not that I loathe being big. As I have explained here, I would like to keep the curves without keeping health concerns like bone breakdown. I know I have to pay attention to my knee but I'm worried this will result to the same weight gain when I turned my back on gymming in favor of graduate school [and supposed more time for sleeping]. All my hard work for the past few months would go into waste!
Whenever self-loathing possesses us, we can always play deaf to the tiny yet repetitive voice in our heads and turn to our closest girlfriends for support and comfort. Just like you, I am grateful to have such - whether nearby, distant or even imaginary - to rely on. I am truly blessed to have an effortlessly beautiful, witty and genuinely big-hearted friend like Angela de la Calzada. We may not be as inseparable as before due to our current conflicting work schedules, but, when in self-doubt, I always recall how she carried herself and dust myself off and crawl out of the cocoon I've imprisoned myself into.
I first met her in the workplace. She's an instant standout with her tall stature, big figure, pretty face, creamy skin, big curls, perfect nose, excellent fashion sense and apparently endless supply of self-appreciation. Although I was intimidated by her strong personality, I was instantly drawn to her. Beneath her attractive exterior lies even more pleasant qualities - her deep faith that she does not push for everyone else to subscribe to, her eloquence and ability to mingle with all sorts of people, her appetite for good times, her reliability during bad times, her wisdom in spite her young age and so on.
She's not even aware of it all. She was clueless why I found it delightful that her family dubbed me as her twin (in terms of body size) behind my back and she was always the last to admit that a cute guy has the hots for her. How could someone be so self-assured yet so meek? And have I told you nobody else gets "featured" here until this fat lady sings? Which reminds me, she's the best walking iPod in town!
Lornadahl: How would you describe your personal fashion style?
Angela: I guess a mix of trendy (but revised/altered to fit my body) and classic casual. I love jeans.
Lornadahl: Which celebrities serve as your style icons?
Angela: Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen... I love the outfits of [fictional] Serena Van der Woodsen in Gossip Girl.
Lornadahl: How about Angelina Jolie? I thought she's one of your icons. Also, can you specify what made you like Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen and Serena Van der Woodsen? Diba Ashley Olsen is the one who usually wears loose clothes?
Angela: Mary Kate is the one who wears loose clothes. Ashley is the more classic trendy type. Yes, I love Angelina Jolie she is my icon too, but her fashion is a little too sophisticated for me. I like Nicole Richie because her fashion is a bit on the bohemian side yet at the same time, trendy. Same with Serena. Though not always, but I like Serena's casual looks on the show.
Lornadahl: What's the best fashion accessory for big women?
Angela: Big woman? Big bag.
Lornadahl: Big bag, yes. I notice you're into big earrings and big necklaces, too. Not anymore?
Angela: Yes, I still like big earrings, bracelets, necklaces, even rings! But not because I think it suits my body, I guess it's more because of my personality.
Lornadahl: How do you deal with I'm-so-fat-and/or-ugly days?
Angela: Put a little more effort in my makeup, wear something a little more flattering than a t-shirt and get on with my day.
Lornadahl: Would you agree that guys only chase after skinny women?
Angela: No. Notice, yes. But chase? No.
Lornadahl: Do you think a great number of men appreciate big girls, too?
Angela: They do? Haha! In my opinion a great number of guys like big girls, not necessarily because they are big but because of their personality, sense of humor and the like. I guess you could say they value who the girl is, more than how good she looks.
Lornadahl: What's the secret behind your self-confidence and body acceptance?
Angela: The secret I guess is just knowing that if I didn't like my body, I would have done something about it. And since I didn't, that means I'm okay with it.
Lornadahl: You went gymming before, right? What made you do so? Do you think you would have continued if not for your busy schedule?
Angela: Yes, I tried gymming but more than my busy sched, I was too tamad to continue. Haha. May gana lang in the beginning but after a couple of months nagsawa rin ako. It takes a lot of commitment and dedication kasi, which I don't have.
Lornadahl: If you were to appear on a billboard or magazine cover, how would you look like?
Angela: Embarassed. Haha. I don't know, I guess however the stylists and photographers want me to look. But never in sleeveless.
Lornadahl: Why not in sleeveless? Bigla naman akong nahiya sa mga sleeveless moments ko! Hahaha!
Angela: Haha! Wag ka mahiya! Ako kasi, I can't wear sleeveless talaga because my arms are my waterloo, as my mom would say. Basta I've always had a problem with my arms. They're like my biggest problem. Literally.
Lornadahl: What is beautiful about being big?
Angela: I don't know about that, for me kasi it's more of how you are and who you are despite your size. For me, if you know how to look your best and have a great personality to boost, you are beautiful.
Lornadahl: I so agree! How do you respond to the argument that obesity is unhealthy?
Angela: I would have to agree. Unhealthy in the simplest terms, meaning you are more susceptible to certain sicknesses and diseases like diabetes, etc.
Lornadahl: Given a chance, would you join reality shows like "The Biggest Loser" or "Thintervention with Jackie Warner"? Why or why not?
Angela: No! Because I'm camera shy. Also, I don't want people I don't know knowing my business.
Lornadahl: What do you say to people who say you’re addicted to food?
Angela: I think I am, in a way. Maybe not addicted, but I do love food. Obviously. I wouldn't say addicted, because that sounds unhealthy but I have to admit food is something I know how to appreciate.
Lornadahl: How do you feel if people stare at you? yell degrading stuff at you? Do you ever experience that?
Angela: I either feel pretty, or I check if I have something on my face. Haha. When they yell degrading stuff (which hasn't happened to me since I was in high school yata), I just ignore them. Well of course I don't feel great about it, who does naman. But I don't get hurt. What can I do naman if it's true, right? Parang I want to say, "I know, I know".
Lornadahl: Do you ever confront people? What happens when you do?
Angela: Nope. One time yata a street kid asked me, "Ate, bakit ka mataba?" I answered, "Hindi ko nga rin alam eh". But I've never confronted anyone talaga. I guess it's because I know naman it's true, but I still have friends and people who love me so I don't think it really matters what my weight is.
Lornadahl: What do fat people want to be called?
Angela: I don't know about others but for me, big is okay. Just not o-bes, mispronounced pa. I hate that. Mang-iinsulto ka na lang, mali pa. Haha!
Lornadahl: I know you've traveled everywhere. Does a big woman's self-appreciation and self-love root from the culture/environment she's accustomed to? What can you say about Filipinas and their self-appreciation?
Angela: I wouldn't say everywhere, I haven't been to Europe for example. But yes, I do think our self-appreciation and self-love roots from where we grew up, more than the country we live in, our home. Everything you are naman is rooted from there eh, whether good or bad. If you grew up in a home where you are loved and appreciated no matter how you look or how much you weigh, it's easy to shrug off the negative comments outside, because you know deep down that you are appreciated and loved everywhere else. Filipinas have good self-esteem if they grew up in a loving environment. Doesn't matter what country you're from, it all starts at home.
Lornadahl: Some big girls are unaware that they're beautiful and sexy. What would you tell them?
Angela: Hey girl, you're beautiful. Haha. Well, sometimes naman they're panget right? And I don't mean in a physical way, but they have bad attitudes and are so defensive over how they look. But I think a nice thing to tell them would be to relax and accept how you look. Otherwise, go change it then!
Unlike the teenage girls I see in the boob tube and the silver screen, I initially found it too difficult to strip off my clothes in front of this one guy who seemed to had appreciated my soul first before the rest of my body. Where did those teenage girls find the balls to expose their privates to someone or to a large crowd anytime as if everyday were a spring break party? While other teens were occupied acting on their raging hormones, I was a portrait of inhibition.
Luckily, I did not go through the he-might-cheat-on-me-if-I-continue-to-withdraw-sex paranoia. I had a healthy amount of confidence in my irreplaceable qualities. But I was totally aware that I was one Muse who can't make him write psalms about my body.
Eventually (read: about 29 days), his patience convinced me that my imperfection does not really matter. After all, he's far from impeccable, too. Whatever intimate moment we share together was not to be recorded for an audience's scrutiny. It's all about love. [insert romantic expressions here].
However, I felt my insecurity resurface one afternoon. I was sitting on his lap, wearing nothing but my undies and rose-colored glasses. Little did I know we were seated in front of his huge mirror. The typical post-coital sweet-nothings came into a halt; he stared at my eyes through the mirror and said, "I know I have no right to tell you this," then paused to gesture to his love handles, "But don't you think you should...start working out?" His eyes were then fixated somewhere between my bra and panties.
My brain took it as "Let's stop having chocolate cakes together when either of us is upset," and "Don't drink as much as I do," It also sounded like I'd gone complacent about my appearance and I should start checking out my competition. Ultimately, it made me feel that he wanted to spend less time with me...out there and in between sheets.
Ok, maybe he was just being preventive of any health issues his lovely girlfriend might face. So how will you explain the resulting scarcity of the highly recommended, doctors-prescribed sexual cure?
See, I was aware I was big...and getting bigger. Heck, it didn't matter what others say behind my back. I had an amazing guy standing next to me...until he expressed my weight gain was making me a lesser person than I was.
What else could be more romantic than to this song? Thank you, Freshlyground! You just captured what love is all about!
Single ladies, we've got male this Valentine's Day! Whether you're on your temporary lonely state that results to a great need for external validation and/or appetite for dark chocolates or you're in the mood to hear mushy lines, here's one worthwhile Q&A for you.
I met this Californian dude in our mutual friend's timeline on Plurk. His sense of humor is as intense as his sensitivity to determine when you're in deep shit (as evidenced by the private plurks he initiated). There's no such thing as too much science fiction and red wines for him. And for that, let's have a drink! I know you're breathlessly waiting for the interview part.
Lornadahl: So you like real women. What makes a woman real?
Larry: A “real” woman is hard to define, yet you know one when you meet one. She has an inner confidence, a sense of playfulness, and is just as comfortable in jeans and a tee-shirt as she is in high-heels and pearls.
What she isn’t, is fake. She doesn’t hold back, but speaks her mind. When she laughs it’s not a repressed twitter, but a full-on guffaw that induces laughter in others. She doesn’t sap the joy out of a dinner date by ordering the small salad with dressing on the side. No, she’s likely the one ordering the double-sloppy bacon-burger with extra chili topping while washing it down with a beer – and not a wimpy lite beer, either.
She may not be perfectly happy with her looks – and who is? – but she doesn’t let her insecurities show. She does the best with what she was given. She’ll wear make-up, but she won’t obsess over it if it wears off during an evening of fun and revelry. Why bother? She’s having too much fun, that’s why. Nice clothes, cool shoes, she’s a class act. Boob enhancements, botox, and face lifts are for the other woman, the insecure girl.
Her attitude about life is infectious, for she lives it to the fullest and does everything to the best of her ability. She works hard, but plays harder. She sleeps when she is tired, she eats when she is hungry, and she’ll tell you to your face when you’re acting stupid.
Lornadahl: How would you describe your attraction to big women? Fetish? Preference?
Larry: First, to be clear, I’m attracted to several different types of woman, some of which may be classified as “big”. With experience I have found that once a woman has become comfortable with her own body, she is a much happier person to be with. A bigger woman sometimes matures faster into that acceptance, and therefore is a great deal more fun to “be with”.
It’d probably be more accurate to describe my attraction to bigger woman as an attraction to a big woman’s attitude. A display of self-confidence is the biggest aphrodisiac in the universe.
Well, that… and long dark hair coupled with an intense pair of eyes. Now that’s my real fetish.
Lornadahl: What's the best fashion accessory for big women?
Larry: Besides hot boots and a push up bra, you mean? Seriously, anything that enhances her long hair, or highlights her beautiful face would be a plus for the plus sized woman. If you fall in love with her face, the rest of the body will follow.
Lornadahl: What do you imagine she'd wear on your first date? It's up to you if it'd be a movie date, talk over coffee, a museum tour or whatever you like.
Larry: While I’d prefer her to wear nothing, or just sexy lingerie, while tied to a hotel bed somewhere, I guess that’d be an inappropriate first date. Now, movie dates are a bad start cuz you never get a chance to talk, and coffee houses are generally too bright and too crowded.
An ideal first date would start around lunch time. I would pack a picnic basket and take her to a secluded spot down by the river. We’d make conversation while finishing off a bottle of wine (or two) and strolling around the park, hand-in-hand. After, we’d enjoy the afternoon and early evening playing with the demonstrations at the Tech Museum. We’d keep it light and make up stories about other visitors to the museum.
From the museum, we’d indulge in some martinis at a nearby martini bar, while arguing deep subjects like the merits of one olive, two olives or more. After getting caught staring into my date’s eyes for about the hundredth time, I’d take her to a nice seafood restaurant where we’d get sloppy eating crabs legs and cioppino. We’d order dessert – something chocolaty and very unhealthy – and wash it down with an after-dinner drink, maybe some warmed Gran Marnier.
After dinner we’d hang at the piano bar and tip the piano player so much they’d have to play our requests all night. With corny old standards still buzzing in our ears, we’d catch a taxi (too drunk to drive) over to the midnight laser light show at the planetarium. We’d lay back in our seats, catch a contact high from the friendly “atmosphere”, all the while holding hands to thunderous music and dazzling lights.
When the night was complete, and with dawn threatening on the horizon, I’d walk her to her door. On her front step, I’d leave her a goodnight kiss that would make her panties wet. The next day, I would send flowers, with a note asking her for a second date.
Lornadahl: What a lucky girl. What song would make you ask her for a slow dance?
Larry: As she’s a classic beauty to me, I’d want a classic tune to dance with her. Maybe it’d be something from the era of our grandparents, like Louie Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” or Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”. That’s not to say, however, that I wouldn’t dance other songs, though. For a true classic beauty, I’d dance every song with her, from every era.
Lornadahl: If you were to re-write the last couplet for Shakespeare's Sonnet 130, how would it go?
Ah but see this here my lady is real
Only by my ardent love could I seal
Lornadahl: Would you agree that guys only chase after skinny women? Does "chubby chase" really happen?
Larry: Just like women, men are inundated by images of the “perfect” woman: big boobs, skinny waist, pouty lips. When we men see the same manufactured beauties day in and day out, we start to think that is the “ideal” and therefore that is what we should want, what we should desire.
The term “chubby chase” is kind of derogatory, actually. Maybe there are true “chubby chasers” out there, but it’s a minority, those with a true fetish. Most of us are just tired of the synthetic women produced by Hollywood image makers, fashion magazines, and by the women who wish to be like them. The truth is, most women do not fall into this category of “ideal” beauty. There are men out there who just want a real woman, someone who doesn’t buy into the hype and accepts her body, accepts her form, for what it is.
Lornadahl: I know you've traveled everywhere. Does a big woman's self-appreciation and self-love root from the culture/environment she's accustomed to?
Larry: For better or for worse, a person is influenced by the environment they grow up in. A culture that is biased toward or demeans women can breed insecurities that are difficult at best to overcome. Through her own intelligence and her own personal awareness, a woman can surmount these issues and learn to accept herself.
However, if she is constantly beat down by those around her, she will never achieve that maturity, the personal growth that is necessary for self-confidence and self-awareness. Wherever I’ve traveled, one thing stands out: more important than cultural influences are the pressures that her own family and friends have on her. At some point, she may have to make the break between old friends and find a more encouraging network of friends. Putting some distance between an unsupportive family and herself may be the hardest decision she’ll ever have to make, but it is rare that any worthwhile growth can be done painlessly.
Lornadahl: In your visit in Cebu and Zamboanga, would you say the Filipinas have a great amount of self-appreciation?
Unfortunately Filipinas do not fully understand their worldwide appeal. While I had the honor of visiting one of the most beautiful areas of the world, I was dismayed by the poverty in which these very beautiful women lived. The economic differences between the rich and the poor most likely contribute to low self-esteem.
Furthermore, what I saw was a kind of repression, almost a discrimination against Filipinas there. They seemed to be treated differently than the men around them. For example, while leaving Cebu, I made the mistake of asking a lady next to me about immigration forms at the airport. When we eventually got in line, she was singled out because the officers thought she was with me, a white boy, and probably trying to leave the country. I overheard them hassling her as she attempted to explain that she was not with me. The passport checker quizzed me about her, too. It was all very bizarre and surreal -- I made sure I talked to no one else at the airport after that.
So, though I had just spent a very beautiful week touring the country, unfortunately my very last impression of The Philippines is how poorly they treat their own citizens, especially the women.
Lornadahl: If you were to do a photo shoot for a big woman on magazine cover, how would it look like?
Larry: Naturally, it’d depend on the type of magazine she was shooting for. For the typical woman’s magazine, I’d focus on her natural beauty with plenty of face shots, catching her lively and deep eyes. For a men’s magazine, I’d make it something more playful, probably using some sort of S&M getup. For something where a sense of humor is appreciated, I may parody one of the classic pieces of art that depicted larger women.
Larry: Sure, basically the artwork of Peter Paul Rubens, noted for using images of larger women in his paintings.
Lornadahl: Some big girls are unaware that they're beautiful and sexy. What would you tell them?
Larry: It always amazes me when someone whom I think is stunning has such a low opinion of herself. Unfortunately, no one thing can turn around a person’s self-esteem. All one can do is to be polite, and continually make complimentary remarks without being sexist or suggestive. Support is the best positive action one can provide to someone lacking that kind of self-awareness.
Wow, it's that time of the year again. When we singletons attempt to distance ourselves from ubiquitous reminders of the primordial compulsion to seek for and be found by our other halves and, in my case, touch re-assess myself.
It transports me to the moment Shiela snapped me out of my satiated reverie to ask, "Bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend?" I was momentarily blank. It's not really something you talk about after a mute moment in the elevator.
Bakit nga ba? I have a big heart that consistently pops out of my low-cut blouse. I give out rambunctious laughter that can effortlessly alter ill feelings. I have this bottomless energy to traipse from point A to point Z and insatiable appetite to try this and that. My mouth usually can't catch up to what my predominantly right brain aims to expound. I have contagious self-assurance. And, most importantly, I have so much love to give! Mindful of past aches, yes, but stronger and often eager to take care of someone special. So what's wrong with me? Bakit wala pa rin akong boyfriend?!
Must be my inability to market myself as The One. I've been told that I always project myself as one-of-the-boys gal instead of the siren that I actually am. Oftentimes I'm branded as intimidating and perceived to be already romantically attached for reasons I am completely unaware of. And I'm one limited edition concealing herself behind poor packaging.
Confused, frustrated and exhausted, I decided to search somewhere I think I can introduce myself the way I want to be known. Somewhere I imagine I will be considered presentable, appreciated from head to toe - and belly rolls in between - and accepted for who I am. Somewhere like Chubby Chase.
So I signed up, uploaded 5 of my favorite photos, filled out my profile sheet, indicated I'm after a long-term relationship and, well, I can't afford premium membership (starts at $12.49 per month). Membership type is not really pronounced at your profile page but you would know if your date is on the same state when he sends or reciprocates a template message like "I think you're cute!" and when he's unable to initiate a chat, among others. Instant dead end, eh?
But such disappointment doesn't come close to my discovery of the dearth of Filipino men's presence on the abovementioned virtual niche. Worse, a few of them had the gall to use headshots of Sam Milby and Jericho Rosales and claim it as their own portrait. I did a search for their profiles recently and I'm relieved that their insecure asses had vanished in the community. Maybe they detected a note of bitter derision out of my template message: "Wow, you're funny. I like that." and realized I'm itching to spank them in public.
In spite of my long-time disapproval of long-distance relationships, particularly for those in courtship stage, I contradicted myself and entertained a couple of Caucasian men - ranging from nice guy with quirks to downright extreme pervert. I was too quick to exalt the small things and was too slow to admit that a roseate future with a man who say "just looking for now" in his profile will hardly come into fruition. However, I'm grateful for such self-realizations and friendship earned from each man I encountered.
My friend Atong's interest had waned as easy as her serendipitous discovery of the dating site. Sometimes I wonder if she had unreasonable expectations within a short period of time or I'm just being too clingy to the impossible dream for the longest time.
There goes my self-deprecatory attitude again. See, I've ceased asking myself "Bakit wala pa rin akong boyfriend?" Like what I have stated above, I'm such a great woman with a long list of admirable qualities. But where is this inconsistent flow of self-love coming from? Why does it always have to be hard work? What else do I need to work on?
This Valentine's Day, it's going to be another duel against myself. It will be another moment of cross examination with the woman in the mirror. If He loves me for who I am and so do the people surrounding me, why can't I do the same?
"You can not make someone love you. You can not be thin enough or white enough or famous enough. The choice is entirely the other person's. Then again, you might try hypnosis."
