Having a child of your own will make you retrace your steps to your own childhood. If I breastfeed too long, will my daughter show up in school carrying a milk bottle like I did? Should she go to school early like everyone else or should she show up when she turns six-year-old like I did...and end up breaking a pencil on Day 1 since four- and five-year-olds outpaced her in writing As in a sheet of lined paper?
The next thing I knew, those baby steps turned into giant leaps, and I found myself opting for a career change with lots of trembling. I was convinced my daughter is asking me to follow in the footsteps of our countless foremothers - something that my mother asked me to veer away from.
That's probably enough flashback for you. This is going to be a long read, so let me begin sharing what I have finally re-learned and embraced in my surreal return in kindergarten:
1. White is Nice!
Like what I have disclosed here, I am too clumsy to be charming in white. Even avoided wearing white on my wedding day! White outfits are hardly welcome in my closet, so imagine my worry when they said kindergarten teachers should wear pastels and plain whites, the latter being necessary when we are to perform puppet shows.
My mentor, Tita Marie, said kindergarten teachers should personify angels, making it ideal that we wear light-colored, flowing dresses underneath our aprons. What's more, I learned that, in a Waldorf school, what a teacher knows is just a bonus. What truly matters is who she is. A teacher stands as a loving authority worthy of imitation and his/her personality influences young children on who they will become. I've heard of this countless times before, but it finally became experiential knowledge when my students' playtime or my daughter's drawings mirrored my own thoughts or feelings (even if they were suppressed). And I've seen older students who took after their Main Teacher.
So it took me a lot of conviction to wear whites in and outside the classroom. And the pressure to channel celestial beings made it doubly difficult. And the heavens heard me: it's the children instead who taught me. When they get soaked in the mud, they shower and change. When they get stained, they shrug it off. It's not permanent, anyway. So why can't I do the same?
One time, when I thought I left my worries behind before I stepped inside the classroom, I was dumbfounded when this child shouted, "TEACHER, LET GO!" Of course, he meant that I should relinquish him as he swings on the ropes, but it felt different. It haunted me for days and nights until I started to loosen up.
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NOTE: These outfits were NOT worn inside the classroom.
2. Take Off Your Armor.
Suddenly, I found myself bare-faced. Gone were my signature dangling earrings, pussy red lipsticks, vanilla-scented lotion and cucumber-and-melon cologne. Well, it's really not advisable to wear jewelry in the presence of young children to prevent any torn earlobes, scratches and the likes, and I have been trained in that since my daughter arrived.
But I confess I struggled in getting rid of my make-up and scents. See, I have been accustomed to centralized air conditioning since my first job in 2003 and my overactive sweat glands sobbed hard when I discovered our classrooms will be well-ventilated. But artificial odors in colognes and other products were not recommended for young children. It's the first of the twelve senses that would prompt them to make judgments and they are not yet ripe for early intellectualization.
This is also the point when I truly realized why I love bright red lipsticks, aside from the fact that I find reds extremely attractive. Upon deep introspection, I realized that I hated my dark lips and I wanted to hide them! But, just like my belly rolls and other flaws, it is a part of who I am and I will not allow something like this prevent me from performing my duties to the children of the world.
And so I decided to let go. This is my face and my face wants to do an Alicia Keys Appreciation Day every school day, whenever I feel like it. It was liberating!
New me: Bare face, bare feet and covered all over
3. Finding the Silver Lining.
Little did I know that I would be calm over the appearance of my salt and pepper hair. I recall going gaga upon seeing the first wave of silver hair during graduate school (2005-2009) and heaving a huge sigh of relief when they disappeared.
It's making a loud comeback this year and I welcomed it as a manifestation of wisdom creeping in. I just hope I can live up to it! If I don't, then I'll forgive myself. Which is something these lovely children can generously give me. What have I done right to finally learn to laugh again and cease taking myself too seriously?
